| Session 1:
Why aren’t you
moving?
I don’t know where to go. . .
What are your options?
Believe in religious Christianity. .
Or
Ditch that and figure it all out on my own…
Ok, well you’ve
been through your first option, and that got you back to here.. so why don’t
you try the latter?
What if I’m wrong and I should just be following
Christianity?
Well, you need to look over
that again, and confirm that your confident with living in a world of your own
version of reality, learning by being, or go back to Christianity.
That’s not happening. . .
So I just need the confidence and courage to take on life,
and trust what’s inside of me to bring me to the truth, even if it’s
almost identical to the Christianity I’ve followed.
Ok.. how can we summon
that courage?
. . .
. . .
I’ve had the courage in the past, and it was an amazing time in my life, then I doubted…
much like the passage where Jesus and his disciple walked on water.. now that I’m
back in the boat… I don’t remember how to step out of it.
Describe your mindset
during that time of your life.
I defined success as something intangible, more of a sense
of doing what’s right, what I’m meant to do. An analogy I had was,
that of reaching the afterlife and meeting countless people that I had affected
positively in life, yet never knew.
Money wasn’t an object of success, desire, etc. The
freedom from that allowed me to live somewhat careless, truly realizing that “God”
had my back, and the fact that I just put God in quotes, was ok with him,
because he knows where that’s coming from, from an innocent search, and/or
that he’s more than the name “God” even implies.
So, what caused you to
doubt that path you were on?
I genuinely thought I could change people, raise their
understandings from their irrational fearful slavery. In all reality all I can
ever be is a symbol that others see truth through, and then it’s up to
them to summon the courage to change.
(That last answer doesn’t feel completely accurate for
some reason)
Please explain that.
During this time, I felt I was on the verge of becoming what
a “Christian” was always meant to be, have faith enough to perform
miracles in some form. During this time I was helping someone through a
self-enslaved depression, much like I had been through in the past, banking on
my logic I couldn’t think of the right thing to ask or say, but something
kept tugging at me to ask certain questions without having a follow-up, the
person replied with the expected answer, and I didn’t have anything to
reply with… I felt like I just reached a hole in my new amazing
philosophy, so I scrapped it with doubt, and now I realize that it wasn’t
a whole so much as the edge of my reach, anything past that point, is going to
be on him to figure out for himself. I can’t tell him anything as it won’t
be real enough for him, in the future, when he’s on his own.
(That felt better)
That’s relieving to think that through.
Good, lets get you back
on that path. Have you felt the same way at all since your experience?
Ever, ever so briefly, almost like a fleeting breath.
Please, try to describe it, what caused the surge of
energy?
Appreciation, a
brief moment of feeling alive in the present with nothing in the future or
past. Mostly caused by hearing a song that I could really get into at my
present state of being. That or a song that made me feel utterly ridiculous, if
anyone knew I was listening to it.
So a since of defying societal standards, invigorated
you?
Seems, somewhat
extreme, but you could say that.
Since the Bible is pretty
paramount to Christianity, how has your time with that varied during this
cycle, blurriness to clarity, and then to where you are now?
Oh boy… Now your asking me to back up a ways. Unfortunately
I haven’t journaled my experience since it’s start, so I can’t
give the most crucial details. =/ But here’s the synopsis:
Back
in.. March 07, I began to look at my life, as unacceptable, Work/gaming/sleep
repeat, was a waste of a life, but I wasn’t satisfied with any
alternatives I had seen thus far, not that I had been searching all that
intently, but at this point my desire for truth was so strong that, I finally
summoned the courage to quit gaming for a month, and work solely on the intent
to understand God, with specific demands like “Show me a sign, God, I
need a little something more.” That night I cracked open my Bible, and
what would you believe is the first headline I read? “A Demand for a Sign”
I believe it was Mathew 16:1-4. Which reads:
“The Demand for a Sign”
“1The Pharisees and Sadducees came to Jesus and tested
him by asking him to show them a sign from heaven.
2He replied,[a] "When evening comes, you say, 'It will
be fair weather, for the sky is red,' 3and
in the morning, 'Today it will be stormy, for the sky is red and overcast.' You
know how to interpret the appearance of the sky, but you cannot interpret the
signs of the times. 4A
wicked and adulterous generation looks for a miraculous sign, but none will be
given it except the sign of Jonah." Jesus then left them and went away.”
Initial
thought after reading this was “Damn… I can’t believe I just
asked to get punched in the face like that.” Now my interpretation of
this passage is probably inaccurate to the commonly accepted religious
interpretation, but whether there is suppose to be a set interpretation for
every passage, or if it was meant to be interpreted by the individual in their
present state however they twist the context, doesn’t really matter to
me. Verse 4 hit me most of all, “A wicked and adulterous generation looks
for a miraculous sign.” – Well, I’m clearly asking for one,
and it’s clear to me how I have been wicked and adulterous, so I took
away from this that my desire was right but the demand wasn’t. That night
I absorbed energy from this synchronicity, to go ahead and pursue it further by
reading the story of Jonah. All in all I couldn’t relate directly to
Jonah as far as having God specifically tell me to reach out to a set crowd,
and defy him, so in hindsight I take it as, God was wanting me to take what I
initially took from Mathew, and for the part about Jonah for the present time
was the trailing of a voice starting to ramble. From here on I started reading a
guy’s blog site dedicated to personal development. There I read all kinds
of stuff about levels of consciousness, self-acceptance empowering and disempowering
beliefs, courage, and motivation. I suppose the next synchronicity came when I
read one night in the bible about the parable of the talents, and the next day
at work read on his site his take on that same parable. This put me in a
direction where I looked around and had thoughts like “Why aren’t
there more prophetic people walking the earth today?” “What would
it really look like in this day and age to be a prophet?” Further down
this road I realized that what I had learned growing up, is that I was
incapable of becoming a person of prophet status. Not that this was a new
concept to me, but I realized yet again, but with a better understanding, how
much of a disempowering belief it was to live a life following the Christianity
I had learned (learned subjectively to save antagonization). From this point I thought
a prophet back in the day, was living with no other guidance than what Jesus
himself taught them, and empowered by the Holy Spirit, so where is this need to
meditate on the bible so much coming from? I realized this was actually a
disempowering perspective, because it unintentionally (or at least how I
learned it) replaced the power of the Holy Spirit with the Bible. Which is more
accurate? Do I really believe my interpretation of the Holy Spirit’s
guidance could ever be false? After this realization, I noticed truth
everywhere around me, every person I met and had ever met, began reminding me
everything they’ve ever taught me, and that, that was a safe source of
understanding when filtered through the Holy Spirit. Not really filtered but,
taken in with the conviction the Holy Spirit offered. From here on out I had a
strong energy pouring into me, in every situation, boosting my confidence,
making me grateful for everyone and everything that had ever been in my life,
and that was in my life now. I was excited about life. Socially implaced
reality check hit me, “You’ve gotta get a stable job, to end up
supporting a family.” “You need to go to school to get a good job,
to have the credentials.” Blah blah .. crap it set in, and I doubted. Right
now the most personal doubt I have is.. if my goal is to live, almost as the
status bum, but only someone directly influenced by it could see the “realness”
in it, would be the ideal life, in all honesty, that isn’t the best way
to live with a family mindset, set for the future. The counter I have to
realize to that is, that trusting God, or specifically the Holy Spirit form, is
bigger than that, and the future is something I have crappy control over, “Live
in the moment, idiot!” hehe
That’s good, we’ll pick up
here, on our next session.
Session 2: Alright, you've explained a lot, but I need more information, in your past state of bliss, what would you say was your main goal, or purpose in life? At a subconscious level, help the people that asked for it, or that I was drawn to, by intuition or Holy Spirit nagging. =)
Why do you say it was only on a subconscious level?
At the time I still didn't really understand the decisions I was making, so I didn't realize the goals I had been setting for myself through conviction..
Did you have any plans for the future?
Yes, and no.. I realized I was just living by wherever the Spirit lead me, but in another sense I really felt that my future was in Europe, specifically Prague, Czech-Republic, and at the same time, nothing seemed permanent. How would you describe where your at now, have you completely reverted back to your old thinking, or are you changed in any way? My overall self-discipline has raised, along with integrity, as far as thinking goes.. since I've tasted something better than the current state, I'm anxious to get back, but at the same time I'm not discontent enough to run after it like I was originally.
Have you done anything out of the norm since?
heh, yeah.. I've started enjoying physical exercise, in the sense that I laugh at myself when i feel everything inside me saying NOOO, don't go in that gym, yet I keep walking, just to take control over my body. I've started a schedule of waking up at 5:00 am every morning, mainly because my days at work are easier going.. although I haven't always been able to get to sleep earlier to compensate so sleep deprivation is becoming a problem. Awhile back I went to the Base Exchange (BX) for absolutely no other purpose than to do something different, and see if I could meet someone. Well.. that was an interesting experiment, as I did meet someone fast.. and thats a tangent to talk about . . . =)
Slightly off topic but I've noticed that I'm able to enjoy a lot of things that I found to be less than entertaining, just by noticing how it relates to me, or what truth is being expressed through it. In saying all this I'm mainly focusing this towards movies i've been watching, but also in people that have easily bothered me.
Well, that is improvement, so at least your not back peddling necessarily, so how has your relationship been going with this other person that you were trying to help through, what was it. . "self-induced depression"?
heh.. nice question, as I haven't taken the time to think it through. . . First off, he's driving me nuts, I've tried to help and feel like I've failed as he doesn't appear to of improved at all, I ask myself the question or others have implied it as well, Should I just let him go and let him hit rock bottom so that he can snap out of it? Part of me agrees as it's the easiest thing, but another side says, I'm just being selfish and need to do something, even if that is turning him over to someone with more experience.
...
thats all i got. . =)
Ok, you seem to be choosing the former by default, but not by conscious decision, shouldn't that be a conscious decision?
*I hate you* hehe, I think I have another question to ask him, before I put the nail in the coffin and send him off to "someone more experienced."
*****Session Interrupted!******
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